you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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