Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Randomize
