this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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