sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Randomize
