I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
