between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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