life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize