I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
