Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
