She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
