woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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