Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
