so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
