I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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