I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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