I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
