i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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