Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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