I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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