I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
My ATM looks so different sober.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
