I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
