Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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