Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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