Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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