happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize