as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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