1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
