Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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