Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
