I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
