don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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