did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
