I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
