I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize