nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
