Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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