peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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