Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
