highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
my sisters under your porch take her home
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Randomize
