Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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