i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
