Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
