is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
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