I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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