capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
