After last night, I could never be a politician.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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