High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
