My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
