Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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