There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
