I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
