As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
