Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You need Xanax blowdarts
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
