I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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