Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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