I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
