Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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