1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
