I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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