This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
