Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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