I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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